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By Seth Lepore
Gary had always felt like he was overly emotional. His wife Judith was the only person with whom he shared his fears and vulnerabilities. In fact, she was the only one who knew about his history of sexual abuse. He didn’t dare show sadness or grief among his male friends for fear of endless mocking.
All of his life Gary felt that he had to adhere to the belief that “boys don’t cry”. Being a man meant keeping a “stiff upper lip” under any circumstances.
What is True Masculinity?
True Masculinity is being able to honor your emotions as an ever-changing truth. You work with feeling states in healthy way and keep your critical thinking intact, with no apologies.
It’s difficult enough for a man to express his emotions but even more complicated when you’ve been sexually abused. The intense shame around disclosing your abuse is at odds with how you think a man should handle his personal history.
“It’s in the past. I should just move on.”
This kind of thinking is the end result of how the subject of males being sexually abused has become extremely taboo. In many people’s minds, sexual abuse of boys and men doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t happen. Even as some celebrity figures have come out about their abuse (Oprah, Tori Amos), none of them are men.
There are no well known role models for how a healthy adult male survivor can thrive and live out his dreams regardless of his history. Add to that the pressure of always having to “hold it together”, be strong and mainly relate to your male friends through biting humor and you have a recipe for repression.
Why does a history of sexual abuse cause you to feel emasculated?
Do you relate to any of the following beliefs?
*Men are supposed to be strong and keep it together no matter the situation.
*Showing emotions means you are weak.
*Life isn’t a bowl of cherries. Sometimes you’re handed a dud. Deal with it.
*Stop being so sensitive. Life isn’t fair.
Whether or not you believe these statements are true, they are pervasive within our society. For the most part the media, school, our peer group and our culture have ingrained a specific acceptable formula for being a man. Most men feel that they can only share intimacy with their significant other. Even with their closest friends the most intimate subjects stay shelved.
For most men, the idea of showing emotions is akin to being the central character in your own horror movie. The idea of exposure is terrifying.
When a man has experienced sexual abuse (at any age) it can feel as if a piece of his manhood was taken from him. A power play was set in motion by the perpetrator to keep the victim weak. This feeling of weakness can show up later as negative feeling states such as self-loathing and depression.
Society’s example of the macho, tough-as-nails man only furthers this sense of isolation and need to try to “be a man” despite your true inclinations.
What are some methods to help reclaim my Masculinity?
1. Write the word Masculine at the top of a blank sheet of paper. Make a list of all the adjectives that you think describe masculinity. Don’t think about it too much. Let your mind go and free write as much as possible. Then make a list of men you know, either personally or famous, that fit this profile.
Next write the word Hero on a separate piece of paper and repeat the steps outlined above. Adjectives first and then men you think fit the profile. Are they the same, different, not sure? See what happens.
2. In your mind choose the man from your list who feels the safest. Imagine being in a comfortable room with him. He is there for you, completely engaged and ready to listen. Keep breathing. Now tell him what it is like for you being a man. Don’t edit. He will not judge you.
Watch as he listens to you, empathizing with you. When you are done, see if he has anything to say to you or not. When you are ready slowly open your eyes and breathe. Take your time. How do you feel? Write it down.
3. Breathe. This cannot be emphasized enough. You may have judgments and criticisms come up as you’ve been reading. That’s fine. Breathe into them and see what happens. Your breath can give you so much insight.
How will doing these exercises help me?
You may feel as though you have no resources for discussing your trauma. This is the case for many men. These exercises are steps towards a dialogue you may not be ready to have in person.
When you see that you have the courage to speak your truth in your mind’s eye, you are that much closer to being able to do it in real time.
But…
“Aren’t men supposed to be able to deal with anything that comes? Aren’t we just wired differently?”
Society has granted a small palate of emotions for men that are generally accepted. In most cases it’s not ok for men to express rage, sorrow, grief or fear. When we are small children our caretakers empathetically meet our tears. When we reach a certain age emoting can be seen as weak.
You may be stifling your emotions because you think you have to, that there is no other choice.
“What do you mean? Are you saying that showing your emotions is masculine?”
Being able to feel the full range of the human experience is your birthright. To be able to “unlearn” your definitions of what is masculine will give you the ability to live your life without embarrassment.
It will give you permission to be yourself without compromising your integrity.
“I feel as though the abuse has stripped me of my masculinity. It’s made me confused about my sexuality.”
Parts of you that get lost during sexual abuse can be reclaimed again. There can be identity crisis around sexual preference, intimacy, compulsive behavior around sex and/or rejecting sex altogether.
By slowing down and relating to who you essentially are you get an integrated picture of both your trauma and your current experiences. This takes the place of trying to fit yourself into a box in order to feel safe and accepted by others.
Back to Gary
When Gary first did the writing exercise he found that he only had one male on his list that he felt comfortable talking to: Phillip, his best friend from childhood.
Besides the fact that he felt awkward having a discussion with Phillip in his head, he breathed slowly which helped him relax. When he was done speaking, Phillip smiled and said he understood. In that moment Gary felt that he was acknowledged for the first time around his masculinity and the confusion he felt.
In a Nutshell…
True Masculinity is not difficult to achieve. It is however, different than what you were taught on the playground. It is not survival of the fittest. To be able to feel your emotions thoroughly, use your critical thinking skills and be honest with yourself and others about who you are is the goal.
To be able to have a sense of humor in the process is essential as well.
You can use the writing and visualization exercises to uncover your thoughts and feelings around masculinity. Remember, this is your experience. There’s no one telling you that you are dong it right or wrong.
Keep breathing. Breath is the gateway to understanding feeling states.
What’s Next?
If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter at http://healingthesurvivor.com/
My name is Seth Lepore. I am an Intuitve Counselor who works with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. You can sign up for my free newsletter at Healing the Survivor. You can reach me directly at seth(at)healingthesurvivor.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Seth_Lepore
http://EzineArticles.com/?Is-True-Masculinity-Possible-For-Male-Survivors-of-Sexual-Abuse?&id=1348820
Tags: Abused Males, Male Survivors, Survivors
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By Seth Lepore
Martin’s first experience going to a strip club was his 21st birthday. By the time Martin was 23 he was frequenting several clubs on a weekly basis. He thought this was normal enough behavior until he got involved in his first “real” relationship. He decided to hide this part of his life entirely from his partner.
What was worse was the guilt he felt as he lied about long hours at work, hanging out with friends, or other obligations that didn’t exist.
What is the purpose of a Male Survivor keeping secrets?
Simply put, the purpose of keeping secrets is power. During your abuse you were either directly threatened or subtly coerced into secrecy about your abuse. Whatever tactic was used kept the perpetrator in the power position.
You learned how to keep a secret about a very powerful experience. Now you use that skill in order to take back the power that was stolen from you. However, the secret world that you keep (and refuse to give up) is one that is wound up in guilt and shame.
Why is having a secret world so important for Sexual abuse survivors?
As a survivor, the loss of control felt during an abusive situation continues into adult life and shows up in the day-to-day decisions that you make. You may have overwhelming situations at home, work and in friendships that consciously or unconsciously remind you of the abuse. This does not always make logical sense. Your secret world helps to alleviate the stress and sense of overwhelm that seems “out of control”.
You may indulge in drinking, gambling, drug use, pornography, compulsive masturbation, massage parlors, overworking, promiscuity, excessive procrastination or a variety of other methods to control the pain. The fact that you get away with these secrets may make the impulse to do them greater and in more intense circumstances that have the possibility of exposing you.
In many ways you are re-living your traumatic experiences, this time from the position of power but the person being abused is the same: yourself.
How does living with secrets compromise your success and intimate relationships?
The foremost person that your secret world affects is you. You may put yourself in compromising situations that could dangerously affect your health and safety. You know this to be true but the urge to indulge does not seem optional.
If your secret is “found out” you may feel incredibly defensive of protecting it and may try to shut out the person who has discovered your double life. You deeply wish to find comfort in someone who understands that you are not a bad person, not weak. This, though, seems impossible.
What are the steps to sharing your secret word with someone else?
Trust is the key word. Trust was another key component that was damaged during your abuse. You may feel that there is no one whom you can depend on beside yourself and that burden weighs heavily on you.
Here are some steps towards safely confiding in another person:
1. Set aside some time to write about your secret world. This is a personal journal that no one else ever needs to see. The first person you need to get honest with is yourself. Write about every aspect of why having this secret is important, how it makes you feel and what it would be like to not have it hidden any longer.
2. Write the words Trust and Unconditional Love at the top of a page as separate columns. Now write down anyone who you know that you feel you would trust with this sensitive information. Do the same for people you feel unconditionally love you.
If you draw blanks on either of these lists don’t panic. The ability to trust and feel love has been tainted by the abuse. This exercise is merely a way to get specific about the people in your life that are close to you.
3. Contact a counselor who is compassionate to the complexities of child sexual abuse, and in particular male survivors. It is of the utmost importance that you work with someone who is not judgmental of your choices. Having a third party who holds your experience in confidence can lessen the feeling of being exposed.
I work with most clients by phone, which is also helpful in terms of anonymity, as sometimes “facing” someone else about these issues is difficult.
Wait a Minute…
“I thought that everyone kept secrets of some kind? What makes mine different?”
Although the gap between a little white lie and betrayal is vast, the main difference of a male survivor’s secrets is the perpetuation of sexual dysfunction.
The double life you lead and the compromises you make in order to hide this secret world is simply exhausting. The fact that exposing your secret world would have a detrimental effect on your life feels very real, however it is a choice that will ultimately free you from the confines of the abuse.
“I’ve had a secret world for so long. I don’t know if I can stop.”
This is normal. It is beyond a simple urge or craving. Keeping the secret seems absolutely necessary. Having to hide, to not tell, for fear of being exposed, ostracized or judged far outweighs the desire to either stop or to seek out help.
The learned behavior of keeping secrets can be unwound and understood. You can find a sense of peace and comfort in sharing the details of your hidden self with a trusted ally in your healing process.
Martin Decides to Change
After months of hiding his strip club outings from his partner, his need to go got worse. It was almost becoming a daily occurrence that he found himself in a new club. He started to experience panic attacks and have flashbacks of his sexual abuse.
Martin decided to seek help. As he slowly started to talk about his secret life with his counselor he began to see how his strip club fascination was a way of acting out the power dynamics he had with his perpetrator.
He slowly began to see the patterns: the specific way of hiding his emotions, the guilt he felt for having sexual desire and how he held himself responsible for being abused. He understood for the first time that he needed to forgive himself.
In Summary
Underneath the secrecy that Male Survivors keep are the complicated feelings and thoughts surrounding the abuse. In short, you were put into a state of dire terror and are making decisions from that place.
When anything reminds you of the abuse you may decide to use your secret world to escape the overwhelm, even if it causes you to feel worse afterwards. The way to get through this is to talk it out. You go slowly with a counselor that you trust.
You can heal the abuse, have extraordinary connections with friends, family and sexual partners and have a rewarding career. All of these things are possible. You can lead a life where secrets feel like options instead of necessity.
What’s Next?
If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter at http://healingthesurvivor.com
My name is Seth Lepore. I am an Intuitve Counselor who works with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. You can sign up for my free newsletter at Healing the Survivor. You can reach me directly at seth(at)healingthesurvivor.com.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Seth_Lepore
http://EzineArticles.com/?Does-Having-a-Secret-World-Keep-You-From-Healing-Sexual-Abuse?&id=1404296
Tags: healing
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