Why Men Shame Themselves For Being Sexually Abused

By Seth Lepore

Shame is one of the most prevalent emotions you can undergo when dealing with sexual abuse. You may have the thought that you did something to deserve the abuse and therefore cannot have what you truly want as an adult. This can be an unconscious or conscious motivator in your life. The habits, survival skills and addictions that do not serve you seem inescapable, that you cannot live without them.

The Paradox of Shame

Many times when you indulge in an activity that is unhealthy, it is coming from a deep sense of shame. When you continually act from a place of trauma you draw more situations into your life to play out that trauma. There is always a possibility of healing, of making a different decision.

However, if you do not have the skill set of how to maneuver through the same situations differently, you will continually try to solve the puzzle in the same way. You react from a habitual sense of survival even if you intuitively know that it doesn't work so well. The abuse that was once inflicted upon us becomes self-induced.

Questions to Ask Yourself About How You Deal With Shame.

• Do you isolate yourself continually from others for fear of being a "downer" or fear that others will see your true self?
• Do you use compulsive behavior in order to numb yourself or get a quick fix only to feel reverberations of intense loneliness and guilt afterwards?
• Do you avoid intimate interactions and conversations because you do not want to reveal aspects of your past that are painful?

The Good News

The good news is that the power to change is in your control. You can learn what is necessary to shift towards healthy choices. The manner in which you respond to different life situations will be in your own hands. The reason that we don't understand how to take the first step is based in the pressure that shame has on our psychology.

Boys Don't Cry

For example, it is very common for boys past a certain age to be shamed for crying no matter the situation. It is viewed as a sign of weakness and vulnerability, which can be seen as inherently bad. So anytime as an adult male you undergo a painful situation, even one that is purely physical such as getting hurt during a contact sport, you may hold back the need to emote so as not to be seen as weak by your team mates. Many times the layers are not only about the shame of not being able to control your own emotions but also how to deal with the reactions of others to your pain. Even during the death of a loved one males will "hold it together" comforting the women who grieve at will.

Building Up Armor to Guard Against Feeling

In many cases men build armor around them so that feeling comes second to thinking and problem solving. This does not erase the feeling of shame but merely buries it. In order to access and release these deep underlying parts of yourself you may indulge in activities such as drinking and drugs in order to have an excuse to tell your story. Although these "truth serums" act as a portal to buried frustrations they also lower your tolerance for actual healing by creating an escape route for intensified self-abuse.

For example, an addiction to pornography may lead to temporary relief but it can leave you feeling isolated and broken. So the cycle continues without resolution unless you to recognize it as a problem.

The Fear of Other's Judgment

Many times if men show their emotions without the context of being inebriated or high they can then have to endure the stigma of being gay (whether that is true or not). To endure being ridiculed out loud or silently judged by peers, who are actually reacting from their own sense of shame around their sexuality, only worsens the inner turmoil.

Since being emotional is usually seen as a purely feminine trait most of the primary emotion will be expressed as rage and anger. Although anger has its own place in the healing process it can also become a mask for deep unrelenting sadness and grief.

Around the age of 15 some of my friends found ways to get alcohol for weekend parties. I remember numerous times watching my friends get completely wasted and go into fits of rage about their hearts getting broken, the desperation around their family dynamics. The image that stays with me the most is watching my best friend sitting in the middle of a street and punching the concrete ground screaming up at the sky. His pain, his hurt was so overbearing. His feelings were not taken in or recognized by his family. His grief was a twisted root, shame coiling around it unable to ground down and sink, to be held and understood.

Many times when we are shamed by others, the feeling (that sink in your stomach, craving to disappear immediately) goes inward and manifests as self-hatred. "I could have...", "Why didn't I...", "If only she knew..." All of these fill-in-the-blank scenarios can be traced back to an experience that is shame-based.

Steps to Working with Shame

1. Give yourself permission to feel shame. This may seem strange. "Why would I want to feel shame?" Probably because it was, and still is, not ok to do so. You need to be the one that normalizes it, to let it be there. Find a safe space where you can be alone for a few minutes. Identify whether the feeling state is shame. Get a sense of where it is in your body. Say to yourself, "It's ok to feel this emotion."

2. Don't get caught up in the story. It's not important why you are feeling this at this moment. Focus on the sensation of the shame, where it is. Does it burn? Is it heavy? Does it make you want to hide? Focus on the sensation and let it become bigger by breathing into it, even if for 30 seconds.

3. This won't kill you. Know that by doing this simple process you are creating a new way of relating with shame. Many times you may have avoided feeling shame like this because you thought you would die. You won't. What you will do is build up more courage and strength.

Fortunately by allowing yourself to feel shame, by letting it rise up and get big, you make room in your psychology to stay with something that seems unbearable. You reach a tipping point, a crescendo of emotion and in this find yourself able to make a sane step towards resolution. It is not easy by any means but it is more than possible, and even more necessary for a healthy relationship to true masculinity.

What's Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter at http://www.healingthesurvivor.com/

My name is Seth Lepore and I am an Intuitive Counselor who works with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. You can sign up for my free newsletter at Healing the Survivor.

You can reach me directly at seth(at)healingthesurvivor.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Seth_Lepore
http://EzineArticles.com/?Why-Men-Shame-Themselves-For-Being-Sexually-Abused&id=1321402

Is True Masculinity Possible For Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse?

By Seth Lepore

Gary had always felt like he was overly emotional. His wife Judith was the only person with whom he shared his fears and vulnerabilities. In fact, she was the only one who knew about his history of sexual abuse. He didn't dare show sadness or grief among his male friends for fear of endless mocking.

All of his life Gary felt that he had to adhere to the belief that "boys don't cry". Being a man meant keeping a "stiff upper lip" under any circumstances.

What is True Masculinity?
True Masculinity is being able to honor your emotions as an ever-changing truth. You work with feeling states in healthy way and keep your critical thinking intact, with no apologies.

It's difficult enough for a man to express his emotions but even more complicated when you've been sexually abused. The intense shame around disclosing your abuse is at odds with how you think a man should handle his personal history.

"It's in the past. I should just move on."

This kind of thinking is the end result of how the subject of males being sexually abused has become extremely taboo. In many people's minds, sexual abuse of boys and men doesn't exist. It just doesn't happen. Even as some celebrity figures have come out about their abuse (Oprah, Tori Amos), none of them are men.

There are no well known role models for how a healthy adult male survivor can thrive and live out his dreams regardless of his history. Add to that the pressure of always having to "hold it together", be strong and mainly relate to your male friends through biting humor and you have a recipe for repression.

Why does a history of sexual abuse cause you to feel emasculated?
Do you relate to any of the following beliefs?

*Men are supposed to be strong and keep it together no matter the situation.
*Showing emotions means you are weak.
*Life isn't a bowl of cherries. Sometimes you're handed a dud. Deal with it.
*Stop being so sensitive. Life isn't fair.

Whether or not you believe these statements are true, they are pervasive within our society. For the most part the media, school, our peer group and our culture have ingrained a specific acceptable formula for being a man. Most men feel that they can only share intimacy with their significant other. Even with their closest friends the most intimate subjects stay shelved.

For most men, the idea of showing emotions is akin to being the central character in your own horror movie. The idea of exposure is terrifying.

When a man has experienced sexual abuse (at any age) it can feel as if a piece of his manhood was taken from him. A power play was set in motion by the perpetrator to keep the victim weak. This feeling of weakness can show up later as negative feeling states such as self-loathing and depression.

Society's example of the macho, tough-as-nails man only furthers this sense of isolation and need to try to "be a man" despite your true inclinations.

What are some methods to help reclaim my Masculinity?
1. Write the word Masculine at the top of a blank sheet of paper. Make a list of all the adjectives that you think describe masculinity. Don't think about it too much. Let your mind go and free write as much as possible. Then make a list of men you know, either personally or famous, that fit this profile.

Next write the word Hero on a separate piece of paper and repeat the steps outlined above. Adjectives first and then men you think fit the profile. Are they the same, different, not sure? See what happens.

2. In your mind choose the man from your list who feels the safest. Imagine being in a comfortable room with him. He is there for you, completely engaged and ready to listen. Keep breathing. Now tell him what it is like for you being a man. Don't edit. He will not judge you.

Watch as he listens to you, empathizing with you. When you are done, see if he has anything to say to you or not. When you are ready slowly open your eyes and breathe. Take your time. How do you feel? Write it down.

3. Breathe. This cannot be emphasized enough. You may have judgments and criticisms come up as you've been reading. That's fine. Breathe into them and see what happens. Your breath can give you so much insight.

How will doing these exercises help me?
You may feel as though you have no resources for discussing your trauma. This is the case for many men. These exercises are steps towards a dialogue you may not be ready to have in person.

When you see that you have the courage to speak your truth in your mind's eye, you are that much closer to being able to do it in real time.

But...
"Aren't men supposed to be able to deal with anything that comes? Aren't we just wired differently?"

Society has granted a small palate of emotions for men that are generally accepted. In most cases it's not ok for men to express rage, sorrow, grief or fear. When we are small children our caretakers empathetically meet our tears. When we reach a certain age emoting can be seen as weak.

You may be stifling your emotions because you think you have to, that there is no other choice.

"What do you mean? Are you saying that showing your emotions is masculine?"

Being able to feel the full range of the human experience is your birthright. To be able to "unlearn" your definitions of what is masculine will give you the ability to live your life without embarrassment.

It will give you permission to be yourself without compromising your integrity.

"I feel as though the abuse has stripped me of my masculinity. It's made me confused about my sexuality."

Parts of you that get lost during sexual abuse can be reclaimed again. There can be identity crisis around sexual preference, intimacy, compulsive behavior around sex and/or rejecting sex altogether.

By slowing down and relating to who you essentially are you get an integrated picture of both your trauma and your current experiences. This takes the place of trying to fit yourself into a box in order to feel safe and accepted by others.

Back to Gary
When Gary first did the writing exercise he found that he only had one male on his list that he felt comfortable talking to: Phillip, his best friend from childhood.

Besides the fact that he felt awkward having a discussion with Phillip in his head, he breathed slowly which helped him relax. When he was done speaking, Phillip smiled and said he understood. In that moment Gary felt that he was acknowledged for the first time around his masculinity and the confusion he felt.

In a Nutshell...
True Masculinity is not difficult to achieve. It is however, different than what you were taught on the playground. It is not survival of the fittest. To be able to feel your emotions thoroughly, use your critical thinking skills and be honest with yourself and others about who you are is the goal.

To be able to have a sense of humor in the process is essential as well.

You can use the writing and visualization exercises to uncover your thoughts and feelings around masculinity. Remember, this is your experience. There's no one telling you that you are dong it right or wrong.

Keep breathing. Breath is the gateway to understanding feeling states.

What's Next?
If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter at http://healingthesurvivor.com/

My name is Seth Lepore. I am an Intuitve Counselor who works with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. You can sign up for my free newsletter at Healing the Survivor. You can reach me directly at seth(at)healingthesurvivor.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Seth_Lepore
http://EzineArticles.com/?Is-True-Masculinity-Possible-For-Male-Survivors-of-Sexual-Abuse?&id=1348820

Sexual Abuse Recovery—Healing the Aftereffects

By Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD

Have you been in therapy for three or more years for sexual abuse recovery and still have many of the same issues plaguing you? If so, you might want to consider a different approach to the healing process.

Sexual Abuse, rape and incest recovery is much easier with Hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapy is highly effective to heal the negative effects of sexual abuse, rape and incest.

Using a seven-phase program in conjunction with hypnotherapy to heal the emotional wounds by moving through the pain toward freedom and triumph over trauma, you will discover you can live the life you deserve. In this seven-phase program you and Dr. Neddermeyer become partners on your path to healing and creating healthy sexuality and the complete celebration of the joy of living pain free.

Healing from Sexual Abuse—Is the time right for you to finally heal sexual abuse in your life and create the life you deserve? Of course it is time! And now that you have made that decision, the rest is easier than you think - especially with the power and effectiveness of Hypnotherapy. The time is certainly right for you to heal from sexual abuse, rape, incest, or in fact any other form of mental or physical abuse. The light at the end of the tunnel is a reflection of who you really are—you are NOT the abuse! You are YOU—a unique and wondrous person. You will learn how to alter your thoughts, words and actions and triumphantly begin living a life of freedom from sexual, emotional or physical abuse.

Sexual Abuse - Victim or Survivor? You are not a victim—your abuser didn’t destroy you—you are only wounded—NOT dead. You are a Survivor—albeit—in a lot of emotional pain. Through the healing process you can transition from being a Survivor to being a Thriver.

You can be the master of your own life! The only control your abuser now has over you is a carry-over from what your perpetrator forced upon you in the past. You can stop that control. Now by your own choice you are your own master!

Sexual abuse affects your life until you complete a healing process specifically for sexual abuse recovery. Although anyone can have the following issues, they are especially prevalent among survivors of sexual and physical abuse. Sexual Abuse After Effects include, but are not limited to:

• Anxiety. Do you often worry, unable to sit still or constantly on the go?

• Panic Attack--heart palpitations, shortness of breath

• Relationship Problems. Are your relationships with family, friends, and significant others full of stress, inability to truly communicate?

• Nightmares/flashbacks

• Insomnia. Trouble relaxing and sleeping.

• Addictions. Do you attempt to fill the void with food, drugs, alcohol, work, or sex?

• Extreme Emotions. Do your emotions often seem out of control?

• Depression. Do you feel that life will never be better and that as long as you are alive you will be in pain?

• Hyper-vigilant. Do you feel like you must be constantly on guard?

• Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately.

• Physical Issues. Are you plagued by--headaches/migraines, stomach problems, MS, PMS, TMJ, Cancer, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Restless Leg Syndrome, Lupus, Lower Back Pain?

• Angry Outbursts/Road Rage. Does your anger interfere with your life?

• Shame/Guilt/Humiliation. Do you believe you are at fault—If you had only....thus you experience the ensuing shame, guilt and humiliation?

In an effort to prevent child sexual abuse, Dr. Neddermeyer also treats abusers. Child molesters, pedophiles and sex offenders have responded successfully to therapeutic hypnosis. A pioneer in this field, she is dedicated to bringing this treatment program into the mainstream. Dr. Neddermeyer recently presented this unique recovery process to professionals in New Dehli, India at the 2nd World Regression Congress. She presented the program in the Netherlands in 2003 at the 1st World Regression Congress.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dorothy_M._Neddermeyer,_PhD
http://EzineArticles.com/?Sexual-Abuse-Recovery—Healing-the-Aftereffects&id=231102

Horrifying Effects of Sexual Abuse in Children

By Anurag Ahluwalia

Sexual abuse in childhood is a form of child abuse in which a child is forced or pressurised into engaging in sexual acts or activities for the gratification of an adult or an older adolescent. Sexual abuse includes direct sexual contact such as intercourse or oral sex, asking and pressurising a child to kiss and touch genitals, an adult indecently exposing their genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child or using a child to produce pornography.

Children are usually abused by people close to them. That is, by members of the family: parent, carer, brothers, sisters or other close relatives or family friends, which makes it altogether more difficult for the child to talk about it and seek help.

Effects of child sexual abuse can result in serious short and long term effects. Short term effects include, a child suddenly behaving differently following his/her first experience, thinking badly of themselves, withdrawal and becoming secretive, difficulties sleeping, bed wetting, fearful and frightened of physical contact. Adolescents may try to run away from home, become promiscuous and start drinking alcohol and/or illicit substances. Long term effects include, psychological, emotional, physical and social effects including depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, physical injury, difficulties forming and maintaining relationships, among other problems.

If you have been abused or think that you may have, it can be very hard to talk about it at first. You can try to talk to your parents, a relative or a close friend; however, if you feel that they may not be able to help or you may not want to talk to them, then you can talk to a teacher or counselor at school.

There are a number of leaflets and books with written information about sexual abuse that you can find useful. Also, with details of organisations where you can talk to someone anonymously, who understands and may be able to support, and guide you to seek professional help.

If you suspect that a child is being abused, you can contact their school or a local children's charity or organization for advice. Alternatively, you can contact your local social services team who will be able to offer more detailed advice.

If you have suffered Sexual Abuse at the hands of someone you know or close to you then you should speak out and get Support.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Anurag_Ahluwalia
http://EzineArticles.com/?Horrifying-Effects-of-Sexual-Abuse-in-Children&id=1674581

Why Sexual Abuse Survivors Struggle With the Stockholm Syndrome

By Gudrun Frerichs

Emotional bonds and attachments are a precondition for human functioning, prospering, and self-development. Humans and all other mammals have inbuilt neuro-physiological structures in the limbic cortex through which they attach to the parent or caregiver. This is mainly to assure that parent and child care about each other so that the survival of the species is guaranteed. The argument goes that attachments are pretty durable and don't stop even in situations of abuse or neglect. People think therefore that attachment dynamics are kind of hotwired into our brains.

These inbuilt attachment dynamics help us understand paradox emotional states survivors of sexual abuse experience - especially when their perpetrator is a family member or parent. When abused by a person close to them, victims struggle to integrate the fundamental human task of attachment with the instinctive recoiling from pain through withdrawal or shutdown, which causes huge emotional conflict. We've see that also in the form of the Stockholm Syndrome: when a person's physical and/or mental survival it at stake, they are drawn to attach to the perpetrator in an unconscious attempt to elicit a caring response and to minimize the threat to their lives. It's nature overruling what could be called otherwise 'common sense'.

The dilemma occurs when the child has to attach to the parent or person that then is hurtful to him or her. The child can't turn away ... otherwise it'll die, and struggles to attach, because the person to attach to is abusive. That dilemma is solved by the child taking on responsibility for the abuse. For reasons that make perfect sense to the child, it comes to believe that it deserved to be abused or even has caused the abuse. With this shift in thinking the child protects the attachment to the perpetrator. It also ends up having a sense of control over changing the situation. For example, by being extra 'good', the child might now be able to elicit a caring response from the perpetrator . For some victims of sexual abuse 'being good' becomes a life position of being over accommodating and over compliant with the people around them.

We often see that survivors are unable to get angry at their perpetrator ... the closer the perpetrator is, the harder it gets to express anger. Although designed to assure survival, this attachment dynamic creates havoc with survivors. They struggle with shame, guilt, low self-confidence, and ....all the rest of it. To reverse this dynamic is terribly difficult and not doing so keeps many people stuck in a place of hurting and discounting themselves. However, it (knowing that you are ok, it wasn't your fault, it was wrong what he/she did, you are loveable....) has to be the core of the healing process.

What happens when survivors do address this attachment to the perpetrator dynamic, they often become suicidal or fall into deep depression. Actually, often survivors strongly defended against addressing it. Why? It appears that the self-preservative instinct (here comes nature again throwing a curve ball) to attach is reactivated by starting to view the perpetrator as bad and hurtful and the more people are able to loosen their attachment to the perpetrator, they have intense feelings of loss, isolation, abandonment, or even impending death. Nature takes over again and the survivor of abuse might revisit the feeling " you have to attach or you die"!

Dr. Gudrun Frerichs is a trainer, psychotherapist, and researcher who has researched for the last 9 years how people recover from the impact of abuse. She has dedicated herself to assisting survivors of sexual abuse to grow strong and fulfil their potential and their dreams. Read on http://gudrunfrerichs.com Is your relationship in distress? Get her free mini course Successful Relationships http://gfrerichs.typepad.com/psychological_resolutions/2008/08/the-secret-of-successful-relationships-7-day-mini-course.html

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gudrun_Frerichs
http://EzineArticles.com/?Why-Sexual-Abuse-Survivors-Struggle-With-the-Stockholm-Syndrome&id=1452258

Do Sexual Abuse Survivors Need Therapy?

By Gudrun Frerichs

I have been asked the other day whether people need to go to a psychotherapist or counselor to recover from sexual abuse. I think that is a really good question. Does a person need therapy to heal? I don't think it is necessary to go to a psychotherapist or counselor. However, they need something because there is little evidence that people heal 'naturally' meaning by itself just through time passing.

What do survivors of sexual abuse need to recover? Human beings, like all mammals, depend on other's to help regulate emotional and physical states. Babies depend completely on others for state regulation. Growing up people can do it more and more for themselves - if they have good enough caregiver/parents. However, people are never completely able to regulate their states by themselves. That's where chat rooms, face book groups and other social networks on and off line are coming in. People need people who care, listen, understand, and are supportive.

Those who experienced abuse while growing up struggled to learn to regulate their emotional and physical states. The creation of the necessary the neuro pathways and cortical networks did not take place or only took place minimally. This is certainly the case if good enough parenting was a problem or if parents were also the abusers.

As a result here you are now, an adult, struggling with depression, anxiety, mistrust, phobias, flashbacks, physical flashbacks, to name a few of the disturbing symptoms. What is needed is to have access to another person who understands, listens, cares, believes, challenges when necessary, to help establish the ability to self-regulate. Recognition given to the survivor in these forms enables them to build self-confidence and self-respect. These are functions of the SELF that enable emotion regulation and distress tolerance.

People only get that form of recognition through another person. That can be a therapist, but doesn't have to. It can be a friend, partner, or a group. It has to be someone who focuses fully or a lot on the survivor's needs. What's needed is someone, who through his/her actions affirms that the survivor is lovable, ok, gorgeous, cute, interesting, resourceful, clever, strong, or amazing. Such recognition will strengthen the survivor's sense of self.

It is sad to realise how many survivors are for a long time on the recovery journey without support. That's really a hard thing to have to do. The problem is if things take a long time and survivors don't feel they are making any progress, they come to believe that they are un-helpable. They even might feel like giving up. That's tragic!

A good therapist is able to make this journey much easier for survivors of sexual abuse. Having said that, the expression "good" doesn't really refer to degrees or training or other achievements. A good therapist is someone who can establish a relationship with survivors. It is someone who is able to help survivors feel at ease and overcome the often deep seated mistrust. Although a good therapist needs to know about how sexual abuse impacts on survivors on multiple levels, most important is that he/she understands that survivors making a huge leap of faith by seeking help and this courage deserves highest respect.

Gudrun Frerichs, PhD is the director and founder of Psychological Resolutions Ltd. Visit her website http://psychologicalresolutions.co.nz. for information about counseling, coaching, psychotherapy, and training courses for professional and personal development. She has been a trauma specialist for over 20 years and done extensive research in the area of recovery from sexual abuse.

Dr. Frerichs is setting up a new online resource and networking service for survivors of sexual abuse - it will be online early September 2008 - stay informed about exact dates by visiting her Blog http://www.gudrunfrerichs.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gudrun_Frerichs
http://EzineArticles.com/?Do-Sexual-Abuse-Survivors-Need-Therapy?&id=1411432

Does Having a Secret World Keep You From Healing Sexual Abuse?

By Seth Lepore

Martin's first experience going to a strip club was his 21st birthday. By the time Martin was 23 he was frequenting several clubs on a weekly basis. He thought this was normal enough behavior until he got involved in his first "real" relationship. He decided to hide this part of his life entirely from his partner.

What was worse was the guilt he felt as he lied about long hours at work, hanging out with friends, or other obligations that didn't exist.

What is the purpose of a Male Survivor keeping secrets?

Simply put, the purpose of keeping secrets is power. During your abuse you were either directly threatened or subtly coerced into secrecy about your abuse. Whatever tactic was used kept the perpetrator in the power position.

You learned how to keep a secret about a very powerful experience. Now you use that skill in order to take back the power that was stolen from you. However, the secret world that you keep (and refuse to give up) is one that is wound up in guilt and shame.

Why is having a secret world so important for Sexual abuse survivors?

As a survivor, the loss of control felt during an abusive situation continues into adult life and shows up in the day-to-day decisions that you make. You may have overwhelming situations at home, work and in friendships that consciously or unconsciously remind you of the abuse. This does not always make logical sense. Your secret world helps to alleviate the stress and sense of overwhelm that seems "out of control".

You may indulge in drinking, gambling, drug use, pornography, compulsive masturbation, massage parlors, overworking, promiscuity, excessive procrastination or a variety of other methods to control the pain. The fact that you get away with these secrets may make the impulse to do them greater and in more intense circumstances that have the possibility of exposing you.

In many ways you are re-living your traumatic experiences, this time from the position of power but the person being abused is the same: yourself.

How does living with secrets compromise your success and intimate relationships?

The foremost person that your secret world affects is you. You may put yourself in compromising situations that could dangerously affect your health and safety. You know this to be true but the urge to indulge does not seem optional.

If your secret is "found out" you may feel incredibly defensive of protecting it and may try to shut out the person who has discovered your double life. You deeply wish to find comfort in someone who understands that you are not a bad person, not weak. This, though, seems impossible.

What are the steps to sharing your secret word with someone else?

Trust is the key word. Trust was another key component that was damaged during your abuse. You may feel that there is no one whom you can depend on beside yourself and that burden weighs heavily on you.

Here are some steps towards safely confiding in another person:

1. Set aside some time to write about your secret world. This is a personal journal that no one else ever needs to see. The first person you need to get honest with is yourself. Write about every aspect of why having this secret is important, how it makes you feel and what it would be like to not have it hidden any longer.

2. Write the words Trust and Unconditional Love at the top of a page as separate columns. Now write down anyone who you know that you feel you would trust with this sensitive information. Do the same for people you feel unconditionally love you.

If you draw blanks on either of these lists don't panic. The ability to trust and feel love has been tainted by the abuse. This exercise is merely a way to get specific about the people in your life that are close to you.

3. Contact a counselor who is compassionate to the complexities of child sexual abuse, and in particular male survivors. It is of the utmost importance that you work with someone who is not judgmental of your choices. Having a third party who holds your experience in confidence can lessen the feeling of being exposed.

I work with most clients by phone, which is also helpful in terms of anonymity, as sometimes "facing" someone else about these issues is difficult.

Wait a Minute...

"I thought that everyone kept secrets of some kind? What makes mine different?"

Although the gap between a little white lie and betrayal is vast, the main difference of a male survivor's secrets is the perpetuation of sexual dysfunction.

The double life you lead and the compromises you make in order to hide this secret world is simply exhausting. The fact that exposing your secret world would have a detrimental effect on your life feels very real, however it is a choice that will ultimately free you from the confines of the abuse.

"I've had a secret world for so long. I don't know if I can stop."

This is normal. It is beyond a simple urge or craving. Keeping the secret seems absolutely necessary. Having to hide, to not tell, for fear of being exposed, ostracized or judged far outweighs the desire to either stop or to seek out help.

The learned behavior of keeping secrets can be unwound and understood. You can find a sense of peace and comfort in sharing the details of your hidden self with a trusted ally in your healing process.

Martin Decides to Change

After months of hiding his strip club outings from his partner, his need to go got worse. It was almost becoming a daily occurrence that he found himself in a new club. He started to experience panic attacks and have flashbacks of his sexual abuse.

Martin decided to seek help. As he slowly started to talk about his secret life with his counselor he began to see how his strip club fascination was a way of acting out the power dynamics he had with his perpetrator.

He slowly began to see the patterns: the specific way of hiding his emotions, the guilt he felt for having sexual desire and how he held himself responsible for being abused. He understood for the first time that he needed to forgive himself.

In Summary

Underneath the secrecy that Male Survivors keep are the complicated feelings and thoughts surrounding the abuse. In short, you were put into a state of dire terror and are making decisions from that place.

When anything reminds you of the abuse you may decide to use your secret world to escape the overwhelm, even if it causes you to feel worse afterwards. The way to get through this is to talk it out. You go slowly with a counselor that you trust.

You can heal the abuse, have extraordinary connections with friends, family and sexual partners and have a rewarding career. All of these things are possible. You can lead a life where secrets feel like options instead of necessity.

What's Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter at http://healingthesurvivor.com

My name is Seth Lepore. I am an Intuitve Counselor who works with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. You can sign up for my free newsletter at Healing the Survivor. You can reach me directly at seth(at)healingthesurvivor.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Seth_Lepore
http://EzineArticles.com/?Does-Having-a-Secret-World-Keep-You-From-Healing-Sexual-Abuse?&id=1404296

Sexual Abuse Survivor Needs

Every survivor of sexual abuse has their own unique and individual needs and they each have their own way of reacting to the abuse. Every survivor can find hope and healing and there is no preset timetable for healing. Each survivor must decide for himself or herself at what pace the healing process will take place. The list of needs below is certainly not a complete list of needs but rather a general list that would apply to almost all survivors of sexual abuse.

Survivors need and deserve to be loved.
Sexual abuse survivors are frequently filled with confusion about what love really is. I was told by my abuser that he loved me and what we had was a "special kind of love." This led me to be confuse sex with love, attention and affection for many years.

The most difficult thing for me to learn is that I can be loved and cared for by people that honestly do have my best interest in mind. Survivors do need unconditional love.

Survivors need acceptance and recognition
Many sexual abuse survivors have a very low self-esteem and often see themselves as not good enough. In the minds of many survivors of sexual abuse, nothing they do or say is worthy of being noticed.

One of my talents is sewing. When my daughter was a small child, I made most of her clothes. As soon as a project was finished, all of my friends and family would comment about how cute it looked and how it was well made. It sure wasn't that way in my mind. I would focus on the smallest invisible flaw and despite the number of comments my daughter would get about her new dress or summer outfit, I couldn't see it as worth noticing.

Still many people around me showed me acceptance and eventually I did learn to accept myself and learn to value myself and my many talents.

Survivors need nurturing and support
Survivors of sexual abuse are accustomed to meeting the needs of others and neglecting their own. As children, they were not protected and instead of being cared for and nurtured, they were used for the sexual gratification of the abuser.

The need for nurturing is a strong one and for many survivors, this need was completely abandoned in their childhood and they were left with feelings of confusion. This need still remains when the survivor becomes an adult and the result is a tremendous emptiness in their lives. Supporters of sexual abuse survivors can help fill this void by nurturing them and helping them get their emotional needs met.

Survivors need help learning to trust again
Sexual abuse teaches the survivor not to trust others. The abuse experience itself taught them that them that their feelings, needs and just about every part of them clear down to their very soul has been exploited. They have lost their sense of safety and this makes them feel vulnerable. As a way of coping, they don't automatically trust anyone. It is often difficult for the survivor to know who they can trust and who they can't. They often adopt the philosophy that nobody is to be trusted until they earn trust.

Supporters can offer the survivor their unconditional support and reassurance can help the survivor learn to trust again.

Survivors need to feel safe
Many survivors feel that they need to take additional steps such as purchasing security devices or weapons, or creating new living arrangements to make their homes and lives safe. While some such measures can increase safety and security, encouraging the survivor to be alert to his or her surroundings is a very important safety measure to take.

Recommended Reading:

• Beginning to Heal (Revised Edition): A First Book for Men and Women Who Were Sexually Abused As Children


• I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse


• The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Revised Edition)


• Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child


• What About Me? A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse

What is Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse can be defined as any sexual activity that is imposed on a child by an adult or an adolescent. This also includes experiences of child to child, teen to child, teen to teen, if there is an age difference of four or more years.

The key word in this definition is imposed on a child. Children are taught almost from birth to trust adults. When an adult manipulates a child's thoughts or forces a child to do something that does inflict physical or emotional harm, they are imposing an experience that will have life long consequences.

Sexual abuse doesn't have to involve intercourse and in a high number of cases, it doesn't. It can range from viewing the genitals, to fondling and from oral or anal sex to sex with other objects.

Some sexual perpetrators are sexually stimulated by seeing children undressed or engaging in sexual games with adults or other children. Many of these offenders manipulate the child into oral sex or the actual act of intercourse. Others frequently find it amusing to show pornography or to "talk dirty" to them to demonstrate what they want the child to do or to justify their own behaviors. Traumatic damage can be done to a sensitive child just by making suggestive references or talking in a sexual way.

Sexual abuse can also take the form of child exploitation by photographing the child in a sexually provocative position, with the intent to either use the photos for their own sexual stimulation or to trade with one of the other millions of child molesters found surfing the Internet on any given day. Sexual abuse cannot be pinned down to a single act but includes a wide range of acts.

As a sexual abuse survivor myself, I find that many parents, law enforcement officers and child welfare workers don't really understand the fear, shame, intimidation and loss of dignity that is caused by being sexually violated. Many young people that have been abused suddenly find themselves confused about their sexuality, boundaries and sexual awareness. Children were not intended to have sexual experiences and have a hard time understanding how to cope when it does happen.

A child or teen that has been sexually abused will need patience, understanding, and support to deal with the trauma and will need it on some level throughout his or her life.

Here are some sex offender resources: National Alert Registry (NAR) was designed to bring sex offender information directly to the public. By conducting a ZIP Code search they will be able to notify you if a sexual offender has moved into your community as well as provide you with a complete profile of the sexual offender. Cyber Detective guides you through the process of finding information about nearly anyone. This incredible software resource will instantly guide you through the maze of over 800 million web pages and bring you to where you need to be to find what you're looking for, then walk you through the process of how to locate the information you're seeking.